For BDSM educator Kim Pham, pleasure and joy are radical acts

“I identify as a dominant, but as a feminist I will forever advocate for Asian women finding their truths in whatever capacity works for them.”

Photo courtesy of Kim Pham

The funny thing about the first time I tried BDSM role play is I never quite stopped.

"Are you choking me?" my partner back then asked. 

In a sort of serendipitous way, it was also during this time that I landed an assignment to cover a film titled “Mercy Mistress” — the memoirs of a queer Chinese American dominatrix in New York City. I interviewed Yin Quan, the writer of the show and a professional dominatrix themselves, alongside actors Poppy Liu and co-producer Margaret Cho.

My 22-year-old self felt an awakening chatting with these Asian women at that time, as I've spent years trying to be OK with my BDSM kinks. Relating to their stories, seeing how empowered they were in their own sexuality and body felt radical and transformational for me.

I learned later there were various communities for this kind of interest. I saw more spaces that educated on this topic, and that’s when I got introduced to Kim Pham.

The story behind the mask

Born and raised in the United States, Kim Pham is a venture-backed founder who talks openly about BDSM. She has thousands of followers whose eyes are either following her journey in entrepreneurship or kink. For Pham, this is both her world and more.

“It started several years ago,” she said. “I was single for the first time in years and was at the precipice of starting Omsom. So much of what we stand for is all about being proud and loud, and starting my business forced me to examine myself in all the ways in which I show up.” 

Through this period of intense introspection, Pham soon owned and embraced her personal journey on kink and fetish. 

“What started as merely a sexual interest blossomed into a new perspective of life rooted in communication, care, and negotiation,” she said.

By 2021, Pham started making TikToks exploring the world of BDSM from her lens as a Southeast Asian queer woman. She followed her desire to share the information she wished she had at the beginning of her journey — as these topics are deeply misunderstood and stigmatized. To this day, she continually tries to remove some of the mystery and misinformation that cloaks around it. 

“All of this is rooted in my own experience and understanding of power as a queer WOC and daughter of refugees,” she said. “Our sexual preferences, experiences, kinks are not formed in a vacuum. They are reflective of the world around us. How power and privilege affects us.”

As an online educator, Kim offers an intersectional approach to BDSM knowing that “one, pleasure and joy is a radical act, and two, we should approach these ‘gray’ areas with immense thoughtfulness and communication.” 

“There’s something so deeply powerful about being seen in a 360-degree way as a human, so I try to bring as much of myself into my work as possible.”

Photo courtesy of Kim Pham

BDSM as an extension of self-expression

Creative storytelling has been a part of Pham’s life purpose and BDSM encouraged all the unabashedly queer women personalities that make her who she is. Sexiness in power, play and healing are the central themes of her work. She cares about integration and has even incorporated aspects of this work in her brand Omsom, hosting raves with shibari suspensions, pole dancers, flash tattoos and massages.

“When we launched our saucy noodles, I thought quite a lot about sauciness and how sexuality/pleasure is a tricky concept within Asian American communities,” she said. “On one side, pleasure is weaponized against us by the West as a way to fetishize, flatten, and erase us. And on the other hand, eroticism, emotion and joy can also be seen as taboo even within our own communities, so I thought: How can I dream of a world where Asian American pleasure can be in its multitudes?”

Suffice to say, behind Kim Pham’s mask is a world built beyond possibilities. In her world, she offers folks both an online space, and in real life, a communal playground rooted in pleasure, love and community care. 

“There’s something so deeply powerful about being seen in a 360-degree way as a human, so I try to bring as much of myself into my work as possible,” she said. 

And for those that appreciate her, and we are everywhere, Pham’s presence undoubtedly provides a reliably gentle and empowering place to go when the world feels full of hate.

Intersection of kinks and identity

You know the stereotypes, the ones that continuously dehumanize us: Asian women are “inherently” submissive, docile and meek. Pham wasn’t exempt from this experience either.

“My journey also started with a rather misinformed desire to reject femininity/submission because, in the context of this patriarchal society, I viewed them as ‘weakness,’” she said. “So I desperately wanted to distance myself from these things and ended up overcorrecting into a version of feminine dominance that wasn’t truly mine.”

Upon greater reflection and exploration of her kinks and identity, Pham found later on that the greatest strength and power came from owning what made her true self — and that means not being overly reactive to assumptions thrust upon her by society. 

Pham now embraces a high femme presentation as a Southeast Asian queer dominatrix. She finds joy in playing with the masculinity and femininity that exists within herself, and not judging either as “good” or “bad,” but both playing important parts of her energy and dominance.

Pham remains disciplined in her response. When I asked how she integrates the intersectionality of her practices to her Asian heritage, she said: “I identify as a dominant, but as a feminist, I will forever advocate for Asian women finding their truths in whatever capacity works for them — dominant, submissive, vanilla or otherwise.  I do not want to write off submission as ‘bad.’ I don’t want to demonize or shame submission rooted in consent, care and communication.” 

Her most important teaching and lesson is to build toward a future where we can express the multitudes within our sexuality and identity, that there is no one “right” way to show up in play.

Finding confidence

“The world, as it largely is, does not want people like me to thrive — so what if I just ignored that and thrived anyways? That combination of delusion, confidence, and conviction helped give me the resilience to commit to living my truth out loud.”

Photo courtesy of Kim Pham

Empowering women, allyship, body and sex positivity: It’s important that these conversations are now happening in the mainstream media. But when I propose a question addressing liberation, the BDSM educator rejects the assumed premise and shares that doing this work often doesn’t feel liberating. 

“I know that living authentically like I have has affected a lot of my life — from me, my company’s reputation with investors, to the size of my dating pool,” she said.  “But we still live in a very real world that actively shames, silences, and ostracizes non-normative ways of life. That saddens me deeply.”

Society’s erasure, for folks like us in media, is still rampant and we still get taught unrealistic standards. Touching on this, Pham recognizes her past too. She shares that as the oldest daughter of two Vietnamese refugees, she also grew up hating herself in so many ways — from ethnicity, her body, queerness and weirdness. 

“I hated feeling different and I thought I could almost shame myself out of those things,” she said.

Pham spent years healing her inner wounds. Now, she’s not afraid to share a little secret to how she navigated self-hate and shame back then.  

“This is going to sound bonkers, but I can honestly attribute it a little to delusion,” she said. “At some point in my early 20s, I realized that, strangely, delusion could be the key.”

She continued, “The world, as it largely is, does not want people like me to thrive — so what if I just ignored that and thrived anyways? That combination of delusion, confidence, and conviction helped give me the resilience to commit to living my truth out loud.”

The majority of the Instagram and TikTok personality’s content presents BDSM education with clarity and optimism. That’s why so many people like her bold, loud and dominating persona. When I asked what her advice would be for the young ones, Pham reflected on her past self. 

“I’ve become the person that I so desperately needed as a young, lost girl,” she said. “I think she would be proud of who I am now with the decisions I’ve made to live my values out loud.” 

And she  emerged with a beautiful voice for the rest of us.

“The world is genuinely a more beautiful place when you live your truth.”

Photo courtesy of Kim Pham

“The world is genuinely a more beautiful place when you live your truth,” Pham said. “And while it’s an incredibly daunting and sometimes scary task to be seen, I promise you it will yield you so much more joy and connection.”

And with that, Kim Pham, for a moment, unmasks herself for us — literally and figuratively. In an online culture obsessed with ironic personas, it’s admirable that Pham is able to show up with her bold and dominant self while expressing her big and warm feelings.

Behind her spicy leather and chains outfits is a little internet weirdo, a messy blend of masculine and feminine. She’s a lover of shadows, dark and uncomfortable places. And besides being a badass founder and influencer, she is also an older sister and a daughter trying her best — a sensitive, empathetic, risk lover.

As I wrap up our conversation, I notice how this has, in a way, taken off my mask too. I realized how much of myself mirrors Pham’s values and way of life. 

“I’m just someone who wants to keep on dancing. Perpetually hungry. Just drinking from the firehose of life,” she said. 

At best, we are all like her — thirsty for a beautiful, pleasurable and nurturing life. We just seek these in different ways, practices and spaces in hopes that whatever we find will help us see ourselves more clearly, to burn off some of the haze created by a society still clouded by outdated systems, standards and rules.

And though Kim Pham and I haven’t met yet in person, it seems to me that we’ve both left the dark room in full transparency and vulnerability.

There’s a gentle defiance to how she speaks of her intentions and anyone who knows, practices, or even curious what the BDSM world brings us. It is the small revolution we do in embracing ourselves, sharing that with another, in hopes that play, pleasure, healing, care and safety begins to take shape.